Barbie and Mom-Shaming
Barbie movie poster Photo by Warner Bros.
I saw Barbie twice over the last month, once on my own and once with my daughters and husband. I think my nine and five year-old took different things away from the movie. My nine-year-old kind of got it and was intrigued but said, “I am throwing my barbies out when I get home. Weird barbie kind of freaked me out.” My five year-old, as I expected, loved all the pink, and kept singing the pink song well after we came home. My husband loved the film for the creativity, and just "liked it.” And, I… well, I had so many feelings I needed to just get them down on paper.
As a therapist who has spent over ten years specializing in working with women and their bodies, I found so much fodder in the movie to analyze. The brilliance of making Barbie into a human woman with feelings, thoughts, emotions and feelings of imperfection! I loved so many things about it. The feminist soundtrack was great, and of course America Ferrera’s speech has been a rallying cry for me and so many women. Feeling so seen and heard, it couldn’t have been more perfect.
Of particular resonance was the idea of being not just the perfect woman, but the ideal mother.
“You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin….
You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people.”
Greta Gerwig showed how women are made to feel this way by the men in our society, especially because we see how the men dominate Mattel and we generally perceive this pressure being placed on women by men. We see how Mattel discontinued Pregnant Barbie because it’s just “too weird” and imperfect to have a doll that is pregnant. When I think of America’s speech, however, I actually think of women pressuring other women, and in particular “mom-shaming” and what the “perfect mom” looks like.
A pregnant Midge and her husband, Allan, and their child. Lawrence Lucier Getty Images
This made me think back to when I was a new mom, and how I felt among other mothers. There was this unspoken pressure to measure up to other moms.
The current idea of Mom-shaming has been around for at least ten years. Never feeling like you are giving enough as a mother or measuring up to other moms can lead to anxiety and postpartum depression in new mothers. From choosing how to feed your baby, to what kind of stroller to buy, the cost of all the things needed to be a “more-than-good-enough mom” can seem astronomical. Then there is the decision of whether to stay home vs. work; having a nanny or trying to tough it out on your own. These decisions feed into the idea that as a mother you “are always doing it wrong,” as America Ferrara states in the movie. You get shamed if you work too hard and don’t see your kids enough; you get shamed if you don’t work and are a “stay-at-home mom.” And that’s just the childcare decision.
Then there’s the post-partum body, and your new identity as a mother. Thinking about celebrities or even other new moms around you who may have “popped right back into shape,” the societal requirement to look perfect during and after pregnancy is still rampant. This manifests in the pressure to not gain too much weight, just have a belly, and not “get ugly” after having kids. The added pressure from society, and from men in particular, for women to not age, or to age well, or not “let ourselves go” is mind boggling and exhausting to navigate as we are also just trying to keep small humans alive.
America Ferrera (Gloria) and Ariana Greenblatt (Sasha) from Barbie movie - Warner Bros.
Since America played a mother of a teen in the film, and I have a pre-teen daughter, I felt this so much. Trying to connect with your daughter at that age is pressure enough; forget about making her happy. That’s close to impossible. I actually loved the way America’s character, Gloria, and her daughter Sasha connected through and over Barbie. Barbie was a part of their bond when Sasha was a child, and then in her adolescence they were able to find a new way to bond over it when they visited Barbieland. I wonder how much pressure Gloria felt, not just as a woman but as a mom in our culture. I know I am feeling this now so much as I enter my older daughter’s pre-teen years.
At the end of the movie, America Ferrera’s character pitches an idea to her boss for a new barbie that is just…ORDINARY, To which he replies “that will never sell,” and then says “I love it.” She describes the ordinary barbie as a normal woman with “a flattering top and she wants to get through the day feeling kind of okay.”
Taking that idea a bit further, I imagine Ordinary Barbie would be appreciated for all that she is, and that she is her own unique person that doesn’t feel the need to measure up to other women. She doesn’t feel shamed as a mother for just taking the best care of her child in a day that she can while balancing so much of the mental load. She is mentally healthy and takes care of herself the best that she can while juggling a business, job, or other professional venture and being a mom, having a social life, interests, a relationship, and maybe even a small amount of down time daily to reflect on who she is and where she wants to go. I would buy that Barbie! I am that Barbie.